Annie got Wood

I have a thing for clowns. I have a THING for clowns. CAPITAL letters. Not a thing as I’d like to fuck a clown, but I do have a thing for clowns.

I have a thing for black and white photos. Not a thing as a sexual attraction, but I do have a thing for black and white photos.

So I found this photo, a black and white photo of a clown. It made me think of people and how bizarre the world is. This was last August. Last August seems like a decade ago. So much has happened since last August.

I became quite fond of this photo, this black and white photo of a clown. I didn’t forget about this photo, but I didn’t see it for a while.

Yesterday I was writing a list of literary agencies to submit my book to. I like writing this list. It makes me dream and wish and all those other things young fools with crazy ideas do. I saw the clown again, this black and white photo. See, this photo is a cover of a book, “The clown” by Heinrich Böll.

I went to the library today. Man, this book is already excellent. Well of course, I have heard brilliant words of Mr Böll. 

The story of a clown. I do have a thing for these clowns, oddly some will say but I do. I find them utterly fascinating. I like my art bizarre. 

I want to be like Helena Bonham Carter when I grow up. 

Man, I’m getting ahead of myself again.

You know what they say, you gotta think big to be big. I broke the news to my grandmother today, that I won’t go back to college, that I will move to Los Angeles. She was surprisingly encouraging. I think it’s just that; I’m so incredibly sure of myself even when I’m not sure of myself which prevents people from worrying.

Fake it til you make it.

I recently wrote these lyrics:

I think I might be sick because I see the world a different way

All I see is people and a life that will end anyway

I plead crazy but at least I’m not a fool

Cheers mate, happy tuesday. 

e

So this is my life right now, peaceful, hectic, strange and bizarre. I contradict myself with every breath and word. Don’t ever use the phrase “I will never” because people change, that’s what we do. 

I think you need to sure of yourself to be a loner. It’s scary to be alone. Lonely people seek affection and loners seek to get away from it. There is simply nothing more satisfying than a vivid imagination and a piece of paper. A guitar helps, I guess, if you can play it. I’m working on that. How the fuck can you call yourself a songwriter if you can’t compose music. Well I guess I was always more of a poet then. 

And my book. The reason why I deleted facebook and the reason why I am disconnected from people. Can I just say how wonderful life is without FB. Sorry Zuckerberg but FB is a stalking machine. It is not well suited for loners. And my book. Everyone keeps asking me about it. Well you know, a couple of people (the word everyone is a dramatic effect). It’s coming. I want to make this a solid piece of art and something that I’m proud of. Not to mention it’s a trilogy so it’s complicated. Everything’s complicated these days.

Transferring schools for one thing. I regret not trying harder. I regret not trying at all. You want to get a degree to prove your dedication as an actor. Then you realize that you also have to be great at all the other shit. The other shit would have been easier if you weren’t such an ignorant fool but you don’t realise those things until later.

Then there’s the partying. I never thought I’d leave the craziest days behind me at almost 20, but then the day comes when you’re tired. All the money and the energy and the trying to get laid (nobody says it but everyone thinks it) and you haven’t really gotten.. well anywhere. (Not saying I went all saint on you. I’m gonna leave that to Taylor Swift. This fellah enjoys a good ol’ bar too much)

So for now writing and thinking and dreaming is my life. You start thinking. One dollar is enough to cure a child from malaria. The money I poured into beer and cigarettes could have been put into better use.

But YOLO. and yes I do follow. The thing is that you need to grow up and YOLO because you want to. Drink because it tastes good and because you’re having fun, not because you’re socially awkward and because it’s easier. Don’t think that smoking a cigarette is a protest against society saying “I don’t care and I’m a rebel”. Who’s the rebel, you or the cigarette?

I was looking at pictures of James Dean, with and without the cig. It’s his eyes, damn those eyes. He looks fucking badass regardless. It’s him, just him. 

So I guess my life right now is pretty good. I’m not trying to prove anything to anybody. I’m not trying to be different. I’m not trying to break the rules because I’m badass and because I don’t give a shit.

You know, I am naturally badass and i don’t give a shit about a lot of things that people give plenty of shits about. It doesn’t matter how you map out your life. It’s your essence. You have a soundtrack playing in your head and people are intrigued by you.

People are people, simple and complex. Today is the day when I write about it and tomorrow I might disagree. I laugh at those who say they know me. I don’t even know myself yet. It’s a fun ride though huh? I’m about to watch Avatar, a movie I swore i would never see. 

It’s like whatever. Life sucks and then you die. No, Life’s fucking awesome if you make it to it. You have the right to be conceited and try to be better than your high school friends.

I love when those bastards talk shit about me. You know you’re popular when people you don’t even know hate you.

I’m just another delusional fool. Sue me. I’m a broke artist and can’t afford a lawyer so i will defend myself. It shall be.. well interesting. 

I thought I should take a little time to to appreciate. We hardly take any time to appreciate. Can’t hardly wait? No he can’t. We come in doing cartwheels remember? We’re all on on E and nobody drinks tea in England. I love sarcasm and sarcasm loves me. We’re the dream-team. The only team I’ll ever know is sarcasm. Isn’t life wonderful?

I appreciate imagination. Some days life is shit and everything’s just shit and i feel like shit and the weather is shitty and all my friends are stupid. Then when the shittyness is the shittiest I watch an episode of Once Upon a Time and indulge into the world of imagination. Isn’t it wonderful? I think it is. I appreciate imagination. I think it’s quite magnificent.

I appreciate words like magnificent. It sounds so tasty. Marvelous, magnificent, extraordinary, glorious, wonderful. These words add some spice to the very common world. It’s quite fascinating.

Ryan Gosling, i appreciate you. I don’t think there’s a bad film with Ryan Gosling in it. I don’t appreciate you because of your stud like appearance. Well I do, I fancy you Ryan but I appreciate your dedication. I think it’s quite intriguing. 

I think James Franco is a new kind of human if I dear to say so. I know you played James Dean and all and you will never be him but i think you’re some sort of superhuman and i appreciate it. There is nothing I appreciate more than a dedicated artist.

I appreciate you Tim Burton. You and your dear friend Johnny have something i tell you. I always had a sweet taste for blood, even after halloween. I can never get enough Sleepy Hollow.

Angelina Jolie. I hate that your lips are ten times my size and that you stole my role of Lisa in Girl,Interrupted but I appreciate you. I think that fame can be a quite magical gift when used right and I appreciate your work. I think powerful people who are genuinely interested are rare.

Once Upon a Time. The writing is just dope. I could live without all the true love bullshit but god the mad hatter story was just ridiculous. I fucking love that show. It’s incredible. I wish I wrote it.

Arctic Monkeys. Alex Turner you’re a fucking poet. I appreciate every word, every tune and every second.

The Strokes. All i can say is seriously.

I appreciate so many bands, all i can say is music. I appreciate you, my love, my medicine. Noah and his wonderful whale. Charlie why you do me like that? And Yuck, no not the sound, the band. Fantastic, juts pure joy. And Grouplove. I have no words. Then Alex Turner teams up with Miles Kane and it’s just fabulous.  

Ketchup. Dear ketchup, I don’t care if you contain a lot of shit, thank you for being  vegan. It makes me happy. I am a very simple human being.

So you think you can dance. Seriously I cannot stress the dedication. American Idol is one thing but dance. Blood, sweat and tears man like seriously. Why the fuck did I not listen to my mama and keep doing ballet. I suck.

Tumblr. You let me write nonsense in which I appreciate. I also approve.

 Penguins. You are all of the things that i love about this world: black and white and happy. I appreciate you. Curse these humans. They annoy me.

People. Seriously i appreciate the people in my life who reach out to me even when I hide inside my loner mind. I delete facebook and shut of my phone and leave the party because I’m socially awkward and you still try to reach me. I appreciate you.

Now I need to get back to my very important life. I appreciate Jared Leto and Nowhere boy. Movies would be nothing without me I swear. 

El skipo.

Is this it? Take my oxygen and my pride but don’t dare to say this is it. Is this it? Somewhere beneath those pretty clothes there’s a heart of stone. This isn’t it. Only a foolish son will let this be it.

You’re a social security number. You’re a name to those who know you, a face to those you meet. To the rest you’re a number, a bloody fucking number. That’s it. That’s the realistic unbarring ignorant truth. They don’t sell you magazines about it do they? Fucking Morons. They sell you everything from computers to sperm but they never sell you that.

I give you this for free. I am one of those kind people who gives you something free of charge. Nothing is free in this world. You pay a dollar to use the bathroom. Some fucking expensive pee. You don’t pay to use the bathroom and they charge you a thousand times more for being stingy.

This is not a rehearsal, this is real life. Go ahead and pay for your pee. What’s your number? No not you’re phone number you delusional hobbit. You’re a number to them. When you die, you’re just a number. What’s your number son?

See, people like me are many things but not foolish. I will wear many labels but I will never be just a number. Pinch me, tease me, suffocate me. I will never be your number. Mark the day I will leave a mark on this earth. All of those who ignored me will think twice. Change is not chance, change is choice.

Everyone is born a number, a brick in the wall. Some people die a name. Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Simone de Beauvoir, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, James Dean.  I hear names not numbers.

Is this it? It doesn’t have to be. Are you 1511876578 or are you SOMEONE. You chose. You change.